Forgiveness Liberates

Have you ever wondered about something you've lost or was taken from you? I had, but not anymore; and I will tell you why.
Years ago when I found out that the man I was married to for more than two decades, and with whom I conceived five wonderful children was remarried, before I even knew I was divorced, I was devastated.  I felt like the world had crumbled over me. For a long while I had lost myself, my compass, and was totally disoriented.

I was angry for quite a while. As my anger was taking a toll on my health and sanity I began to reflect.  When I would cross paths with in- laws my heart would race as if I were on the verge of a heart attack. Realizing that my fist-sized heart could not hold thousands of pounds of human imperfection and wickedness,  I decided to find a better way to mourn my loss. I began fasting and praying. Those were very private moments - trying to shield the children from much more suffering- . I had a little support however from my youngest whose umbilical cord was still attached somehow to a virtual placenta inside my womb. (a joke her siblings would frequently make).

One day, I noticed this quote on a wall: "Anger is one letter short of danger." I digested it and integrated it into my warning signs. Another day one of the most powerful but anonymous quotes: "Do not let yourself be upset by people or things, they are powerless. Your reaction is their power." As a reminder I posted it in front of my bedroom and in my office at work (up to this day).

Then came my first breakthrough when a female bishop in her sermon opened the eyes of my heart saying: " look at you, you are so miserable hating the woman who took your ex away. You had a headache and that woman took it away. Instead of blessing her, sending her a thank you card for taking your headache and giving you peace of mind you are lamenting as if you lost your mother. Save your tears for a better purpose."

My journey towards recovery began at that moment. It has been a long process, but through reading books about forgiveness such as 'Why Forgive' by Johann Christoph Arnold a new era had begun, a time of empowerment. I learned to forgive myself for having thought for so long that I had failed to be the 'perfect wife" I had put behind the 'I could haves' and I should haves' or should not haves' . I have learned since that even though forgiveness does not rectify nor justify the wrong perpetrated against me; it does set me free from the bondage of hatred. It liberates my body, mind and soul. It clears my vision so I can joyfully choose to forsake bitterness,  and become a better soul .